How to Effectively Leverage the Benefits of Online Dating

Online dating is both an exciting and stressful topic. Perhaps in the future, it won’t be such a headache for us — for people in the future, dating will simply be dating, with no distinction between online and offline. Or maybe there will be no need for dating at all. From this perspective, the future looks quite promising.

The Atlantic Monthly once published a survey report summarizing why online dating has become the mainstream method of meeting people. One reason is that it involves less risk compared to meeting someone at a bar. After all, you might run into that person again at the bar, but on the internet, if you disappear, it’s as if you never existed. Another reason is the unlimited options available. With a phone in hand, you have the whole world at your fingertips. However, the situation in our country is somewhat different from the United States. Some aspects are similar, but others are not quite the same. The main difference is that in the United States, there are two types of dating websites. One is for serious dating, like Match.com, eHarmony, OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, and The League — similar to our Jiayuan.com. The other type is for more casual dating or hookups, with Tinder being the most famous example. In China, there are apps like Tantan, Baobao, and Momo, which serve a similar function.

The key difference is that serious dating apps in the United States are truly serious. People are genuinely seeking marriage, and the content is tightly regulated. In contrast, many serious dating platforms in China do not have good control over the content, which has led to a situation where low-quality profiles crowd out genuine users, making the platform fertile ground for scammers. This leaves many people who are sincerely searching for love without a proper place to turn.

On the other hand, the hookup model works differently in the U.S. — Tinder is the dominant app, which makes sense. Generally, one app is enough for a given market, and there’s not much room for multiple competitors. In China, however, Tantan and Momo are in direct competition, with each having its own niche.

Both countries are similar in that people are increasingly turning to hookup apps. One reason is that these apps are simple and easy to use, and after all, most dates begin with chemistry. It feels too cumbersome to read long profiles and detailed content.


Differences Between Online and Offline Dating Models:

Today, online dating remains a very interesting social issue. Online dating differs significantly from offline dating in terms of information acquisition, communication, and the rules that govern interactions.

From the perspective of "information acquisition,"online dating provides limitless opportunities. Of course, these unlimited opportunities also give rise to unlimited illusions, leading people to think, "I always have options." In theory, this is true, but there are also many individuals who have gone on countless dates over 10 years, only to walk away empty-handed, thinking, "That person actually seemed pretty good at the time." This is the double-edged sword of the enormous advantage of "information acquisition" in online dating.

Communication is an even more fascinating issue. Offline, people's communication usually unfolds in five stages. Starting with the first level, "My name is Jenny," moving to "I'm a psychological counselor" (second level), "I'm not in a good mood today" (third level), then "I'm in a bad mood because I couldn't help a client" (fourth level), and finally, "I feel I can't help my clients, which makes me doubt myself because I believe in XXX, but the reality is YYY. This often makes me reflect deeply on ZZZ..." (fifth level). Online dating accelerates this process, with both parties revealing themselves much faster, and many people skip straight to the fifth level in the first conversation. As a result, it’s very common to feel, after the first date, that "it's a shame we met so late."

However, this kind of deep communication, which lacks a solid foundation, often creates illusions. Some people fall in love at first sight, while the other party may just think, "I’m only trying to be more efficient."

Another form of misalignment in this "deep communication" is the weakness of trust and accountability. This concept can be understood by comparing Weibo and WeChat: on Weibo, we’re all strangers, whereas on WeChat, we’re all acquaintances. On Weibo, people tend to express anger and frustration right away. On WeChat, interactions are more friendly and full of praise. This difference in behavior arises from the difference in "consequences." On dating apps, we’re all strangers, and there’s no real accountability for our actions, which naturally leads people to engage in behaviors without social constraints. (The only social constraint in dating is the other person’s judgment, such as being criticized or insulted in person, which many people find unacceptable. Hence, it’s the one form of constraint that exists.)

The nature of "information acquisition" and "communication" mentioned above leads online dating to be a "concentrated," "accelerated," and "volume-based" form of dating, where different "rules" come into play. For example, it’s important to respect the "greatest common denominator" of understanding: having a good conversation online may not be the foundation for love, but simply a form of flirting for the other person. You must also respect the other person’s approach of "just improving efficiency" when they say they’re interested in love at first sight. Likewise, going to bed may simply mean "having sex," not necessarily the start of a long-term relationship you hope for.

Furthermore, offline social taboos no longer apply. We tend to make quick judgments based on our life experience, such as assuming it’s not ideal to blame an ex-spouse for a divorce, or thinking it’s odd to be single at an older age. Similarly, some people believe it’s strange to be unmarried at 40, or that having sex on a first date is unacceptable. Usually, it’s difficult to address these issues directly in offline interactions because they are considered social taboos. But in online dating, due to time constraints, we often have to ask these questions directly. As a result, we frequently see that someone who wants a long-term relationship hesitates to clarify these things, fearing it will hurt feelings, but this often leads to deeper misunderstandings.

Ultimately, though online dating may have mass-production attributes, it is not mass production after all. People are still flesh and blood, with emotions. No matter how communication rules adapt to the fast-paced nature of online dating, the feeling of hurt still feels the same.


The Differences In The Status Of Women And Men in Online Dating:

There is a comparison chart circulating on the Internet (--although it's somewhat of a joke, the information aims to reveal the truth). It states that men and women have different age requirements for their opposite sex counterparts at different ages. Generally speaking, women usually hope to find someone two or three years older than themselves before the age of 30. After turning 30, they prefer to find someone around their own age or even two or three years younger. As for men, regardless of their age, they always seem to desire women who are 20 years old.

This actually has a scientific basis. Men are indeed more inclined to take risks in relationships. During a woman's 25-year reproductive period (excluding the situation of multiple births), there can be a maximum of 25 children at most. In these 25 years, it's relatively easy for women to find men willing to reproduce with them. However, within a 50-year reproductive period for men, if they have sexual intercourse with an ovulating woman every day, they could theoretically have 18,250 children. This relatively large disparity determines that among men, some can reproduce without limitations while others have no chance at all. This has led to men's characteristics of loving adventures, not seeking stability, and being reluctant to make commitments easily.

Outside the reproductive period, women have fewer opportunities. In reality, women in their 40s indeed have fewer opportunities. Although online they may still seem to have many options, women are more eager for commitment, and the window of opportunity determined by their biological clock is narrow. Therefore, women in their 40s are prone to feel despair after setbacks, thinking things like "I just need to find a man and live a good life." Or they are more reluctant to invest time and emotions in uncertain situations and need to repeatedly confirm the other party's commitment to them, which makes them seem more unapproachable. 


How to Adapt to Online Dating:

Clarify Your Purpose: Is it for having children, for love, for meeting the expectations of your parents, or out of respect for the social structure (marriage)? For instance, if you want to have children, you can freeze your eggs first or use sperm banks to have children first (currently, you may only be able to do this abroad, but it should gradually become more accessible in China). There's nothing to be ashamed of, and it won't affect the person you'll meet in the future. Because if you're someone capable of making such a decision, your future partner must also support your decision. Otherwise, it will result in a difficult and compromised marriage. If it's out of respect for the social structure, for example, some people think that "people must get married", that is, the importance of "being married" outweighs "the happiness of marriage", then be prepared to pay the price for such a purpose, meaning the marriage may not be a happy one (and the likelihood is quite high). Every choice comes with a price, and you need to be aware of this.

Expand Your Perspective:
1. Broaden your perspective and enhance your vision, which is beneficial for both dating and life. Our perception of the world, that is, our values, is shaped by a lifetime of experiences. However, you can view dating as an opportunity for new learning and improving your perception. For example, instead of assuming that divorced people must have personality flaws, it's better to look at it from another angle. Perhaps divorced people have a better understanding of the complexities of life. Similarly, those who have never married might have higher aspirations for their spiritual life and are more likely to resonate with you. People who sleep with someone on the first date may not be "promiscuous" but rather more energetic and passionate.
2. Understand the perspective of the opposite sex. For example, understand the different perceptions of risk and commitment between the two genders. Why do they behave in certain ways? You can also try to date with the psychological mindset of the opposite sex, for example, embrace risks more and don't be overly fixated on commitment.

Adjust Your Cognition:
1. The "significance" of online dating is just the initial acquaintance. It's similar to saying hello when passing by in an elevator and doesn't imply that you already have the basis for a long-term relationship.
2. Love is one of the few things in the world where you put in effort but may not get a corresponding output. It's like this at the age of 20, and it's the same at 40. There's really nothing you can do about it. You need to accept this nature of love and gender relations. Although it may sound cold and disheartening, when you can act in accordance with this reality, your psychological burden will be much lighter, your anxiety will be greatly reduced, and your life experience will be much richer.

Change Your Communication: The nature of online dating makes communication extremely crucial. Keep communicating, especially when you're unsure of what the other person is thinking. Don't assume what the other person thinks, or pretend not to notice something you dislike and hope that it will miraculously change into something you like – speak up, but don't force the other person to make a commitment. For example, you can ask the other person, "I'm not sure if you think the relationship should change after we've had sex", instead of assuming "Since we've had sex, you should be more responsible to me."

Finally, I'd like to mention a sentence I tell all my female friends: Whether it's love or marriage, you only need one person. Before meeting that person, you'll encounter countless people who aren't "the one". It doesn't matter. Don't let these people bring you down. Keep looking, keep searching until you find that person.